This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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