peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
