Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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