my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
