Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You have to summon your inner elephant
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
