dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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