Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
