Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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