this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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