you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
