have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
