so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
