Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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