Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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