we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
