what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
