But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
