apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
