Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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