He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
