Porn is love you can see.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
