when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
