I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Randomize
