God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Boobs speak an international language.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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