I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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