It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
