i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
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