I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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