In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
