I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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