you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
