Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
