she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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