1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The power of my boobs compel you
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
