so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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