I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
