Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
