I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
