What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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