I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My feet surprised me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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