You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
