There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
