A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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