he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
