the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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