textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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