im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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