Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Help. Why am I so naked?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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