thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
