Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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