he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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