I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
