I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
