I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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