Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
