My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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