if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
