Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
